Earnest Prayer

And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

~Luke 22: 41-44

If there are any words that I think are most powerful, most surrendering to pray it has to be those of Jesus just before his crucifixion: “not my will, but Yours be done.” Knowing what was ahead of him, his body ached until he sweat drops of blood. Yet, even in great desperation and anxiety, he wanted more than his own desire for the Father’s will do be done. The more he hurt, the more uncertain he felt, the more earnest he prayed. Oh to be a child of God who responded to difficulty and challenge the way Jesus did!

All too often though, if I’m honest, when I hit a rough spot or things don’t go as planned, or I get that call or that news, my prayer stops and disconnection from my Father ensues. Instead of withdrawing to the Lord, I run from him, afraid of what his will may be, what it may require of me.

As I recognize this pattern in my spiritual walk, my deepest hope is that God would not only give me the grace to repent of being too fearful to pray sincerely for his will, but also that he would help me to engage in whatever it is he places before me, desiring more than anything else to see his will revealed and fulfilled.

As I pursue these things in my spiritual journey, thankfully, the Lord is showing me some things about the attitude with which to approach challenges, what to pray for in hard seasons, and some things about the nature of his grace.

What I’m learning about the mind set with which to approach difficulty is this: instead of running from challenge, run into Jesus’ open arms. He’s not asking me to go alone, just to go and trust that he’ll be there. Don’t try to stand tall on my own, but lean into him and let him carry me through. Shauna Niequist expresses the same concept like this:  “if you try to stand and face the wave, it will smash you to bits, but if you trust the water and let it carry you, there’s nothing sweeter.”

What the Lord is showing me in regard to prayer in hard seasons is this: to pray. I know it sounds simplistic, but all too often, in difficult times, I do not pray as much as I try to figure out the “why” of the difficulty. What I’m seeing is that my prayer doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be. God gives us the gift of prayer, not because it changes him but because it changes us. It lifts our eyes, widens our perspective, and comforts our souls. I think that one of the sweetest, most authentic sacrifices we can offer before God in prayer is a sincere heart. As the prophet Joel says, “rend your heart.” I believe this means to come before the Lord in the true state of your heart. I think when we do that we are able to see as Shauna Niequist states, “more awareness of God’s presence and action and ability, and less stranglehold on fear and anxiety.”

As I rend my heart before the Lord, this is what I am finding about his grace: it has the power to reveal his desires to my heart and to make them my own. A familiar verse from the Psalms says, “delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” I am discovering that true joy in the Lord transforms my desires to be the same as the Lord’s and that is when I receive the desires of my heart-when they are one with the Lord’s. I think that’s one of the ways his grace is most clearly demonstrated. In making us a new creation, he gives us his very own desires. He does not just ask us to pray for his will, he empowers us to will what he wills. As Shauna Niequist says, “Grace is when the silence is so complete that you can hear your own heartbeat, and right within your ribs, God’s beating heart, too.”

I am so thankful for a Savior who can identify with our human weakness and yet also with God’s strength. I’m grateful that he showed us what earnest prayer looks like in the most difficult situations. Most of all, I’m thankful that Jesus leaned into the challenge before him, tearing the veil that separated us from the Father so that we might be reconciled to him, given the grace to desire his will.

Hungry

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" He said to him, "Yes Lord; you know that I love you." He said to him, "Feed my lambs."
~John 21: 15

The encounter Jesus had with the disciples in the last chapter of John is one that has always been intriguing and hopeful to me. The chapter begins with this scene: the disciples are out in their boat fishing and Jesus is standing on the shore yet the disciples do not realize that it is Jesus. Jesus asks them if they've caught anything and they tell him no. He tells them to cast their net on the right side of the boat and then they will find some fish. When they did as he told them, they caught so many fish they were not able to haul all of them in. Immediately, the disciples knew that it was Jesus they were talking to.When they reached the land, there was a charcoal fire with fish and bread layed out on it. Jesus told them to bring the fish that they had caught and to come and have breakfast.

There are so many different things that I love about this story, but the thing that stands out to me foremost is the concept of being fed and feeding. I can hardly imagine what it would have been like to be one of the disciples and to have been fishing that morning, having no luck, and then, all of sudden, to have the resurrected King of the world standing on the shore telling me where to throw the net! I find it interesting that after Jesus has come back from the dead, the first thing He asks the disciples to do when they recognize that it is him is to come and have breakfast. He shares a meal with them, and better yet, the story seems to imply that he cooks for them. He's the servant. His humility is astounding.

And the story just gets better and better! After breakfast, Jesus asks Peter three different times if he loves him, and each time of course Peter replies that he does. Each time that Peter affirms his love for the Lord, Jesus responds with statements like "feed my lambs", "tend my sheep", "feed my sheep". Essentially, Jesus first fed Peter. He spent time with him; he developed a relationship with him. Then, he got to the heart of the matter.

Do you love me?
Yes.
Then do what I have done for you.

I think that Jesus does the same thing for us today. If only we are willing to draw near, to cut through layers of distraction and apathy in our lives and spend time with the Lord. Let him feed us with his Holy Spirit. Get to know him for he indeed already knows us. Develop a relationship with him. Then, out of gratitude that the King wants to feed us, to know us personally, feed others with what we have been given.

We can't repay Jesus for what he has done for us, but we can show that we love him by getting to know people and developing relationships with them. We can get to know their personalities, their strengths, their weaknesses, and then we can get to the heart of the matter-Who is the ultimate Feeder? Who gives the bread and the fish to begin with? I think loving people simply, without an agenda, is a good way to spread the Gospel. I think it's what Jesus did and what he would have us do.

I'm finding that the more I am obedient to love people authentically, the more Jesus open doors for me to tell them Who creates this love and compassion inside of me. I'm finding too that as I try to love, heal, and feed my efforts heal me. I love the way Rob Bell puts it. He says, "Our standing in solidarity with the single parent, the unemployed, the refugee, our joining the God of the oppressed to work for justice in the world doesn't just make a difference for those who are suffering. It rescues us."

My prayer is that the more Jesus feeds me, the hungrier I would become for more of his food and more of his love and compassion for his sheep.

Change

"This is what I've come to believe about change: it's good, in the way that childbirth is good, and heartbreak is good, and failure is good. By that I mean it's incredible painful, exponentially more so if you fight it, and also that it has the potential to open you up, to open life up, to deliver you right into the palm of God's hand, which is where you wanted to be all along, except that you were too busy pushing and pulling your life into exactly what you thought it should be."

It is with these words that Shauna Niequist, my favorite author currently, begins her book "Bittersweet." It is through these same words and so many others by Niequist that God continues to reveal to me truth about his character and truth about life in general. I'm not usually the type to want to share exactly what's on my mind for I'm always fearful that I'll say too much and unveil something of myself that I'd rather keep hidden. Lately, however, the Lord has shown me that he reveals things about himself to me through my spiritual language (stories and literature) so that I can then share them with others. I've learned that "revelation is grace" and grace is to be extended to everyone whose path I cross. So I'm starting this blog in an attempt to be obedient to share what God teaches me. Here's my best shot at telling you about life with Jesus as it reveals itself from my field of vision.

As Niequist points out in the opening quote, change is both good and bad, pleasant and painful, bitter and sweet. This past year has been one of immense change for me personally. I graduated from nursing school in 2009 and started working as a registered nurse 3 weeks after I graduated. Before graduating, I had every intention of moving back to Rome, GA, where I grew up. Jesus, however, had different intentions for me, and as he always seems to do, he won and his plan prevailed (imagine that!). I ended up getting a job in Birmingham, AL, at a hospital where I had been fortunate enough to do an internship in nursing school and also a preceptorship right before I graduated. Ironically, I did both the internship and preceptorship on the exact same floor I now work on.

I cannot say enough good things about the people I work with. They are the very best. The environment in which I work is very supportive and encouraging, and had it not been for that, I'm not sure I would have made it through my first year as a nurse. However, the job itself at times is extremely stressful. Several times, I've wanted to throw in the towel and quit, convinced that I've made a huge mistake in becoming a nurse, absolutely certain that this is not the field through which I can best serve others. I've spent a lot of time this year looking for a different life than the one God has placed me in. I've argued with God until I'm blue in the face about why I am not capable of doing the tasks he's placed before me and why it was a big mistake for me to go into nursing and to stay in Birmingham. After all, all my friends moved away after graduation, I feel alone in a big city, and my job is just too stressful. As Niequist phrases it, I have been very busy pushing and pulling my life, trying to make it into what I think it should be, rather than what it is.

These last few weeks, however, I've started a new class and also two new Bible studies. Through them, God is teaching me some truth that I previously overlooked because I was too busy trying to do his job. I feel closer to God than I have in a long time and for that I am so thankful. After a long period of not feeling his presence at all, it seems that I am finding him everywhere. And as I find him, it seems that the still small voice through which he whispers to me is saying that surrender is sweet and in obedience there is freedom.

I am thankful for reaching the bottom, because it is usually only when I am there that I truly cry out for the presence of the Lord in my life. I am grateful for the changes and challenges that I have had to face this year for they are indeed delivering me right into the palm of God's hand which is where I truly do want to be. I am learning that everything is not ok, but this tiny moment with God is. I am thankful that as I am beginning to embrace life as it is right now rather than striving to make it what I would like it to be, I am seeing the faithfulness and grace of God in a brand new way.

I am excited about discovering God more and more and sharing what I find with others. In the words of Shauna Niequist "...this is the work I'm doing now, and the work I invite you into: when life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow."