Change

"This is what I've come to believe about change: it's good, in the way that childbirth is good, and heartbreak is good, and failure is good. By that I mean it's incredible painful, exponentially more so if you fight it, and also that it has the potential to open you up, to open life up, to deliver you right into the palm of God's hand, which is where you wanted to be all along, except that you were too busy pushing and pulling your life into exactly what you thought it should be."

It is with these words that Shauna Niequist, my favorite author currently, begins her book "Bittersweet." It is through these same words and so many others by Niequist that God continues to reveal to me truth about his character and truth about life in general. I'm not usually the type to want to share exactly what's on my mind for I'm always fearful that I'll say too much and unveil something of myself that I'd rather keep hidden. Lately, however, the Lord has shown me that he reveals things about himself to me through my spiritual language (stories and literature) so that I can then share them with others. I've learned that "revelation is grace" and grace is to be extended to everyone whose path I cross. So I'm starting this blog in an attempt to be obedient to share what God teaches me. Here's my best shot at telling you about life with Jesus as it reveals itself from my field of vision.

As Niequist points out in the opening quote, change is both good and bad, pleasant and painful, bitter and sweet. This past year has been one of immense change for me personally. I graduated from nursing school in 2009 and started working as a registered nurse 3 weeks after I graduated. Before graduating, I had every intention of moving back to Rome, GA, where I grew up. Jesus, however, had different intentions for me, and as he always seems to do, he won and his plan prevailed (imagine that!). I ended up getting a job in Birmingham, AL, at a hospital where I had been fortunate enough to do an internship in nursing school and also a preceptorship right before I graduated. Ironically, I did both the internship and preceptorship on the exact same floor I now work on.

I cannot say enough good things about the people I work with. They are the very best. The environment in which I work is very supportive and encouraging, and had it not been for that, I'm not sure I would have made it through my first year as a nurse. However, the job itself at times is extremely stressful. Several times, I've wanted to throw in the towel and quit, convinced that I've made a huge mistake in becoming a nurse, absolutely certain that this is not the field through which I can best serve others. I've spent a lot of time this year looking for a different life than the one God has placed me in. I've argued with God until I'm blue in the face about why I am not capable of doing the tasks he's placed before me and why it was a big mistake for me to go into nursing and to stay in Birmingham. After all, all my friends moved away after graduation, I feel alone in a big city, and my job is just too stressful. As Niequist phrases it, I have been very busy pushing and pulling my life, trying to make it into what I think it should be, rather than what it is.

These last few weeks, however, I've started a new class and also two new Bible studies. Through them, God is teaching me some truth that I previously overlooked because I was too busy trying to do his job. I feel closer to God than I have in a long time and for that I am so thankful. After a long period of not feeling his presence at all, it seems that I am finding him everywhere. And as I find him, it seems that the still small voice through which he whispers to me is saying that surrender is sweet and in obedience there is freedom.

I am thankful for reaching the bottom, because it is usually only when I am there that I truly cry out for the presence of the Lord in my life. I am grateful for the changes and challenges that I have had to face this year for they are indeed delivering me right into the palm of God's hand which is where I truly do want to be. I am learning that everything is not ok, but this tiny moment with God is. I am thankful that as I am beginning to embrace life as it is right now rather than striving to make it what I would like it to be, I am seeing the faithfulness and grace of God in a brand new way.

I am excited about discovering God more and more and sharing what I find with others. In the words of Shauna Niequist "...this is the work I'm doing now, and the work I invite you into: when life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow."